HAGANE
An endless waltz of memories, memories of a time he thought he knew what happiness was… memories of a time he wasn’t such a hard man… memories of the time they were still all alive, him and Dee and all their friends… but also, memories of the stormy days, of steel and pain, of heavy nights and harsh words. How their team had broken off after Deannah’s disappearance, how Baika, the always cheerful Doctor, had cried and told him that it had been his fault–his fault! As if someone could have had stopped Deannah when she had something in mind! The fear in Kinlay’s eyes, a fear he had never seen the Adventurer display until then. The despair buried deep in Cyrus’ heart, the despair he had himself felt, unable to realize, at first, that she would never come back…
But Baika had been right, and it had been his fault, in more than one way.
(… Do I have the right to make all of this useless now?…)
… Days of steel, nights of despair… Closing his heart as well, making a stone of his heart, steeling his mind and emotions, and letting all feelings be washed by the growing hatred… He realized that it wasn’t those unknown men he had hated the most. In fact, the hate had been for himself alone–for not having been there for her when she had needed it, for not having told her in time how much he loved her, for not having been able to help and protect her as he would have liked. She had always helped him and shared her experience with him. And the only time she’d really have needed him at her side, he had been away.
(… Do I?…)
Heiji looked back at Jen. All was now frozen around them, even the tears on her cheeks. It wasn’t Deannah anymore, but simply Jen-chan. The little girl that was now carrying ‘her’ memory. The little girl he had forced into his own hell. The little girl he was slowly killing. Her mind was already gone, swallowed by his darkness; and when nothing would be left of her, she’d simply… die, taking Deannah down with her. Why had he brought her back? For her? For him? For them? Or simply because it was providing him with an aim to reach, a goal to help himself go on living when he wasn’t able to find reasons anymore?
(…No! I loved her! I still do! I…!)
Those long, four years spent awaiting her return… gone away? Those long years of silence and suffering, vanishing like this, like a sparkle dying in the dark… just like this?
(… I can’t!…)
“You’re right.”
And her gaze was steady again, a last gaze, in the remains of her life. A gaze that made him feel like he had never felt before. She had trusted him until the end, trusted his abilities, his will to bring her back, and that was the reason why she had knowingly run to death.
She knew he’d bring her back. She trusted him to. And she still did!…
“You can’t…”