KIRAI
“You can’t leave her here, Heiji”, Deannah/Jen firmly said, and he gave another start, brought back to the cold, harsh world of his dying self. “You have to stop this–and to stop it now! If you leave her dying now, you realize you’ll have had done all this for nothing - put yourself, and Jen, and Cyrus, in this whole mess for nothing?”
Her gaze was so hard on him… so penetrating, also, so intent on making him understand. Another of her lies, maybe, or another hidden truth. She had always been an odd and complex woman, more than he could even have tought, to the point of wondering for years what she had found in him that she wouldn’t herself possess. When he had finally understood, it had already been almost too late. In the end, it all had been an awful mess.
“No. You don’t understand, Heiji-kun,” she sighed, shaking her head. “It’s not about her willpower, of her desire to live. It’s about you. If you don’t stop hating yourself, Heiji, then we’ll all die. The three of us. Plain and simple.”
The Fixer looked at the little girl that was and wasn’t Deannah, slowly frowning.
“Heiji… Daisukina Heiji-kun…” she whispered again, her look on him softening a little, such an adult way of speaking for her young features. “You told me you’d accept to stay, but you don’t really want to live anymore, do you? Heiji, atashi o kikoeru o kudasai… Listen. Look at me. Look at her. Try to be honest with yourself, and with us. Why did you bring me back if you didn’t intend on living? I can be back, Heiji! Not exactly in the same way as before, but you can bring me back! If only you’d accept to complete the task…”
Heiji kept silent, not knowing what to say. Hating himself? Yes… She was so right. He didn’t want to live, because he feared what he had become. He did not dare to try again, because he feared that nothing could ever be like before anymore, because he feared that he wouldn’t be able to become the man he had once been. He would hurt her, in the end, hurt her so badly… And how could he only be able to actually do something for her, in this state… How could he do anything, a ghost in her mind, a memory that wasn’t even able to properly die, a man who had never been able to protect her as she would have needed, once… only once?…
“Heiji…”
“… I don’t know, Dee…”
“Heiji…” Her voice became slightly pleading, and she took his hands in hers, never letting her gaze off him. There was sadness in her eyes, yes– sadness, but also fear, the fear to see him giving up in the end.
“… I don’t know how to do it…” he finally admitted, shaking his head in despair. “I don’t know! I swear! Please… Tasukete!… Help me, Dee… Help me!…”
But she simply shook her head, any hope slowly disappearing from her expression. She couldn’t do anything more at this point. She couldn’t force him to accept life again, and she didn’t need words to make him understand this.
And upon feeling so much despair in her all of a sudden, he knew that his hate for himself would never really disappear.