IKARI
They were lying in the dark, lying within each other’s arms, lying silent and still. Despite the lack of light, he knew that she was smiling; she liked smiling, especially at him, especially when both of them were alone, and that simple thought usually made him smile as well.
Heiji was so happy with her. She wasn’t his first woman, nor himself her first man, but with nobody else had he ever been so happy. He could never remember how exactly they had begun to understand that they truly loved each other, and that it wasn’t just another game–it had simply happened, on that day they had completed another of these boring assignments, and had finally found themselves kissing passionately, corpses not even cold yet at their feet, Maussers still in hand. It had been wild and crazy, wild and unexpected, wild and dangerous, just as their lives were. It had been so good, also.
She was smiling at him in the darkness, her fingers tracing invisible arabesques on his naked skin, her long hair let loose on her shoulders. She was smiling at him, yet he could sense, like he only was able to in their ever growing intimity, that there was something oddly sad to this smile.
“Heiji…” she suddenly whispered, and he raised his eyes to her, guessing her face in the darkness.
“Heiji-kun…” Deannah said again, after a few seconds of silence, her smile more and more distant. “Would you care to… make a promise to me?…”
He slightly frowned, surprised, as she was lying closer to him, her head on his chest. Never had she taken on such a worried tone–and never, he realized, had she allowed herself to show any weakness. She was softly crying now, silently crying, as if trying not to disturb him, and however unable to prevent herself from letting the tears flow.
“What’s wrong, Dee?” the young man answered, taking her in his arms. “Tell me. Is there… anything I can do to–”
“Promise me, Heiji,” she simply said, slightly shivering. «”I have something to do, and if… Well. One day… one day, you’ll receive something from me. If this day happens… promise you’ll help me?”
“Of course I’ll help!” he frowned again, caressing her cheek with his hand. “And I’m gonna help now if you need me!”
She simply shaked her head, in an odd manner that wasn’t really like hers. She simply shook her head, and only days later did he realize that he’d never see her again.
Why… Why the hell hadn’t he understood that this information disc she had retrieved was more than it seemed? Why hadn’t he understood this, as her smile had slowly begun to fade, day after day, once she had cracked it? Why hadn’t he… understood that it was one of these times when she would keep her mouth shut in fear of endangering them all?…
When news of her death had reached him… he had collapsed. Living for weeks like a ghost–forgetting friends and enemies alike–not even able to cry, as if crying would have been the acceptance of the terrible fact. He hadn’t been able to believe it at first. And once again, he had run away from reality… running away as, in fact, he had never ceased to do since his father’s suicide. There were things he would see, would learn, would accept–and facts his mind simply decided to bury. The struggle for life, the downfall of his mother before she finally resigned herself to work for the Company–and keeping the bad memories only, because the good ones would have make him unable to go on. Deannah’s death had been one of these facts, until that night, that night when he had cried for hours, unable to sleep, finally hit by the shock, finally aware of what had happened to her. Crying, screaming, pounding the walls with his fists, a mad dog locked in a cage he had himself crafted. Crying, acting like he had never done before, with such a violence that it had scared him to death. Crying, and hating himself for not having understood in time.
The Heiji who had left his appartment the day after wasn’t the same one that had promised Deannah his help.
The Heiji who had looked at the world again after that night had simply hardened his heart and mind, forgotten how to smile, and somewhat become like those men he was hating so much for having taken from him the only woman he had ever truly loved.