SABISHII
Maybe he was finally becoming mad, alone in the dark and deep silence. Maybe he was becoming mad, for he was now hearing sounds. A little girl, sobbing somewhere in the vast void that was his universe now. Heiji couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t stop being himself. And any disturbance in this was to be welcomed.
A little girl?…
He thought about Jen–Jen, the only child he had seen during long, long years. Just a lost child, someone who would surely have ended her life as a criminal in the sewers, or working in gloomy places for crappy wages, or maybe worse… or maybe she would have taken her chance, and raised herself in the world thanks to her only talents. He would never know. He had made a hell of her short life, maybe even killed her. He couldn’t know. He didn’t want to know. Once again, he was afraid to look up.
“Heiji… Heiji, dun’t leave me alone!…”
Jen’s voice. This time, he was sure it was her voice, but he didn’t understand why she was calling him. The dead Fixer turned in the darkness, trying to spot where the voice was coming from. Without eyes to see, without ears to hear, without any voice left to call her back, how could he? Lies, again and again and again. Why wouldn’t he finish dying, now that he knew it was all over? What could he bring to a girl, to a little girl like her, when he didn’t know himself where he was? Silent words were emblazed deep inside his mind, words of promise, words of sadness, words of despair. Had he told her he would stay for her? Because if he had, maybe that would explain it all–or make things even more confusing.
“Heiji, luv… I already told you you were dead now. Don’t you remember?” Deannah’s sad voice whispered to him once again. “But you’re not alone. Don’t give up, Heiji, please. Let us have another chance. You said you would!…”
Heiji simply didn’t know how he could give them this ‘chance’, as she had said. How he could find Jen again in the darkness. How he could find Deannah, Deannah who had disappeared as soon as he had looked at her new self being born. He could scream, but would she hear it? He could look for her, but was she still somewhere to be seen?
“… Jen…?”
Almost amazed at his own voice, his own words suddenly echoing in the darkness, Heiji wondered why he was calling. Then, all of a sudden, he realized he wasn’t alone anymore. He was looking at the little girl desperately crying, crouched at his feet with her face in her hands. He was looking at himself, and his sense of awareness suddenly took on another meaning, as he lifted his own, trembling hand before his eyes, slightly frowning, not really sure if it was him, and not another illusion.
“Dun’t leave me alone, Heiji… Dun’t leave me!… Please… Stay again. Ya promised… ya promised to stay…”
” …Jen-chan…”
She raised her head to look at him, tears trickling down her pale cheeks, a little girl lost among the shadows, seeking the only light she could find–his light, which wasn’t much. She raised her head, and in her deep eyes, he saw hope suddenly beginning to shine. He was her hope, her hope of not being alone. She was his hope, his hope of finally knowing why he was still aware of himself and of the void surrounding them. Silence creeped upon them again; then, the child shyly outstretched her hand to touch him, to touch his fingers, to find him again in their loneliness.
“Heiji… Heiji, stay with me… Please…”
It was odd, being called by his name, being sought by a child… being liked again… and thus, Heiji did the only thing he could still do in this moment.
He took her in his arms, and stayed with her.