YUME
It was a sort of dream again. Another, endless dream, in his own darkness. A memory, maybe–yes, the dream of a memory. He had time to think now, time to remember, and to shiver, again and again, at the thought of all he had lost. Only when it was too late did people realize that what they used to have, even if not being much, was way better than nothing at all. Was it so long ago that Deannah had smiled for him only, and whispered to his ear how thankful she was for him to have taught her the true meaning of life?
It had been all a lie. Heiji hadn’t taught her anything that she didn’t already know, for life itself was in all human beings, even in the artificially created races of Rubi-Ka. Maybe he had just shown her how to perceive the true strength of life; but with her death, she had stolen it back from him, stolen this part of himself that used to love life, only to give it back to him when it was already too late.
Hatred flared in him for a brief second, then the feeling vanished, and he was left alone again, missing her so terribly that if he hadn’t been already dead, he would have screamed. He couldn’t hate her, simply not hate her. She meant too much to him.
This was a memory. He was just looking at himself, amazed at how he had changed over the years. The boy that one day had been Arisugawa Heiji gave him his look back, a stern look, that had nothing to do on such a young face. How old has he been when Tou-san had died? Seven or eight, maybe? “You know why he died. He died for ‘honour’. He died for the ‘family’. He died for you and Kaa-san and Miyabi-chan. The old ritual, the one from Old Earth. Honour above all, even if it means taking one’s own life.”
Bullshit!, the dead Fixer snickered, before realizing that he was laughing at himself once again. He hadn’t any other choice. Them fuckin’ corrupt Crats at Sol BC had trapped him, and it was the only way he could… he could give us time to run away.
“Yes, we ran away,” young Heiji replied, raising his head, in a tone way too adult for his young features. “We ran away, here, on Rubi-ka. Kaa-san worked so hard to allow us to live. She sold her soul to Omni-Tek, but she hadn’t really any other choice, remember? Remember what she had to do before taking the job. Remember why she finally decided to take it.”
What the fuck. OT pays well. I don’t give a damn who I’m working for, as long as–
“But you’re dead now.”
Heiji knew that his younger self was right, and he didn’t answer. He didn’t want to go on with this conversation, because he knew that it would lead to nothing, that he was wrong anyway, and that he’d finally lose. For a moment, it seemed to him that there was something else, someting he should remember–and then, the memory was gone again.
“O nii-sama,” Miyabi whispered, looking at him, and he turned to face them both. Himself as a child, wearing the traditional hakama and haori his father had been so intent on imposing on him, and now his sister, in the white kimono she had been clad in when they had mourned her death. “O nii-sama, don’t leave, please! Kaa-san will be so sad if you leave!” Her death. Because of him. Because of his odd acquaintances, because of his quirks, because of what he used to do.
And he watched his other self give a scornful smile back, as he had done, so long ago, when he had decided he wouldn’t stay home any longer. He had just turned fifteen a month ago–a little too young for a regular job as an official Omni-Tek employee, but already old enough for the other kind of jobs he wanted to do… already old enough to know that he would certainly die over and over, and run again and again, during what would be his life here. He wouldn’t follow in Tou-san steps. He wouldn’t play the game of politics. He wouldn’t end up on the way of seppuku because of a single, last mistake. He wouldn’t…
Wasn’t what he had done ended with the same result, in fact? He was dead now. Tou-san was dead. Miyabi-chan as well. Kaa-san… where was Kaa-san? Dead as well, he seemed to remember. It had been so long he had left, left to never return, and after that he had met Kinlay, who had introduced him to Deannah and Cyrus, who had…
Another circle that was closed.
Heiji tried to wipe off the memories, but he could only fail on this, for memories were all that was left to him now.
All that was left of him.