A SECOND WAY OUT? – THE GHOST IN THE SHELL

 

It’s hard to be dead. But now I think there are a few merits left in this state. After all… after all, if I was alive, would I be able to do everything I’m able to do now? Dive deep-mind in the Grid… a complete immersion, an always complete Phasing, the kind of which not many people can achieve in their lives. The dangerous state, the one that would make me vulnerable to black I.C.E and to the various other counter-intrusion measures. However, to die, I first need to be alive, which isn’t my case.

But there’s Jen. We’re sharing the same body, in a way, so I have to be careful. Careful not to hurt her… carful not to put her in situations from which she couldn’t get out alone if I was to suddenly… lose my grip. Seizing her mind… yes… such a delightful feeling, in a way, because it makes me… feel alive again. Seize her body, rather. She agreed to, after all - part of her agreed to, this I can remember, even if it’s not the… conscious part of her mind. Agreed to share it with me, in a deeper, more complete way than we did until now. Jen. Jen-chan. How I thank you for this, my love. You already know how I love you, but I want to do more for you. Help you. Stay with you in… another way too. Jen. My love. My satori. Yes. The satori you gave me, there, in the desert. This new sense of awareness, this new meaning you gave to my existence. We spend our shared life saving each other, it seems – you save my memory, and I save yours, and then it’s your turn again, and…

It’s an endless circle - something that suits me in a way, however. It helps me getting another insight of the situation, of what happens around us. My sight, your sight, our common understanding? Boku wa satoremash’ta. Kimi wa satoremash’ta. Watash’tachi yo… The both of us. The illumination, as they used to say in these times of old. Do you remember it? Or is this part of my memory only. I need you, Jen, as much as you need me, and I don’t want to leave you to him. Never. Though I want you to be happy, so I think I… will make an effort. For you, Jenny. For you. Because… well, yes, you’re my satori, after all. My light. My reason for still being here. I wanted to come back for Deannah, yet I now realize that if I agreed to stay, in the end… it was for you. To stay with you. To see you grow up. In the hope of, one day, be able to make you happy again. I’ve never wanted to kill you, though I knew it would kill your mind; but in the end, I’m glad… yes, glad you didn’t end up being completely like Dee was. You deserved to stay yourself. And I love the woman you’ve become, Jen. This woman… I truly love her, in spite of all that can be said about us.

A slight, discrete chuckle. Almost wild. Almost hysterical.

But you know, Jen… I’m sorry if I can’t always… keep my promise. I know. I’ve promised you that I wouldn’t seek revenge – but it’s hard. It’s hard to look at these faces, and forget what they did to you. It’s hard to have you back, and to realize that despite your efforts, nothing will ever be like it was before. It’s hard to feel your mind struggling against its own fall, against all that you’re trying to hide to your new family. Jen, please. I’ll do what I can to soothe your mind, but it’s hard. The only thing I can do is love you, and try to free you a little, yet… I fear it’s not enough. Jen… gambatte o kudasai… I don’t want you to give up. We’ll go through this together, and I promise I won’t make you suffer, and try not to let my own feelings disturb you. It’s just… really hard, you know.

Ah - of course, you know. How couldn’t you, ne, Jen-chan?…

What they did to you. I just can’t forget what they did to you. If in doing so they’ve destroyed your mind for good, then I’ll never be able to forgive again. I’ll go on feeding on my hate, if your mind isn’t here anymore. In the meantime, I won’t let you down. Believe me, Jen. I love you too much for that.

Don Matusz. I know you didn’t want to be there. But I also know what your apologies are worth, and that’s why I, personnally, can’t really accept them. You felt bad about it; and this is guilt, only guilt – do you hear me? Guilt. But do you really care about how she is feeling? Or did you only apologize in order to free your mind and heart of this guilt that had seized you? Don… This I swear. If you do it again… omae o korosuzu!

Elicia. Elicia-nee-chan. I promised you I wouldn’t forget, and this is a promise that is, unfortunately, very easy to keep. In a way, you’re lucky that Jen herself isn’t really for revenge - she’s just too whimsical for this, I suppose. She can’t focus very long on such feelings. But I… I am different. Feelings are all that I have left, and after so many years, they’re what make me alive. So I’m going on hating you. I simply pray that my hate won’t grow stronger than my promise to her. O nee-chan… this I swear. If you do it again… omae o korosuzu!

Sonny, Sonny Fadri, so unpleased to meet you dear Sonny! Your gaze was cold and hard on her, and I’m pretty sure that you took way more pleasure than your Doctor friend in looking at what was done to her. Enjoying each minute, each second of her downfall, with a clinical sharp look, not even smiling. Enjoying? No, maybe not enjoying, rather like… taking notes for further reference. A scientist, no more than a scientist. If if it had been up to me only, I’d have killed myself rather than let you look at me this way any longer. But it wasn’t me, I wanted to save her, and in any case, I decided long ago that seppuku wasn’t my way. Both the nobility and the cowardice of the gesture aren’t for someone like me anymore. You don’t know who I am, Nano-Sorcerer, but I’m still watching, I’ve been watching all this time, and this I swear. If you do it again… omae o korosuzu!

Trellame. You who claim only to be busy with your ‘legitimate businessman’ matters. I know who you are. I also know that you did it for money mainly, maybe also to help some of your fellow Clanners. There was no hate in your eyes when you took her, though I disliked your smile very much, yet I know you wouldn’t feel guilty for this either. This I could see in your smile. I can’t say that I hate you – who knows… maybe one day I could be in need of your services, aaaaah, what an irony!… and in a way, you remind me of Kinlay, also… But I can’t either forgive you for having accepted this job. So I’m warning you, Mr Croteau… This I swear. If you do it again… omae o korosuzu!

Lupoh. Dear Lupoh, I can’t tell much about you, now you’re dead… or supposedly. I won’t forget your clever ways, nor your reputation, nor this smile on your lips. Just another job for you, I know. You Mockers are always the same. I don’t give a damn about your minions, the ones who were there with you and this boss of yours; only you and Trellame did matter on this day, altough, I admit, I wouldn’t mind teaching young Xellina a little lesson - ah, but wait, this is a whole other story, and I don’t have time to waste on her right now. My dear Lupoh, I still don’t forget the way you threatened her, on this evening before… before it all happened. Were you trying to warn her of the trap? Surely I will never know, and I rather think you were simply… mocking her? Yes. Mocking. How this word suits you well. If you were still alive… if you still is… I’d kill you as well, I suppose. Korosu. Such a nice word, korosu.

Valaik. You’re definitely a man I’ll have to stay wary of. It’s hard to lay hands on you, I admit, and you’d no doubt be clever enough to avoid me, even within the Grids, where I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. Alone, she surely couldn’t do anything against you. And don’t even think of sending us your little rat again, whether she acted on her own decision only or not. This I’ve promised her also, on this day I made sure she wouldn’t be the only one to have a leash on Jen’s friend anymore. But I’m pretty sure a woman like her couldn’t make use of such a ‘leash’ without another help, and you might very well have been this help. Until I am convinced of the contrary… or do find a confirmation that my suspicions are true… this I promise, Clasen. If you do it again… omae o korosuzu!

A slow, dangerous grin in the darkness. It looks like her smile, a little, yet this smile is quite unusual on her lips. Used to be, at least. Maybe because it’s not really her who is smiling in this moment. Maybe the most insane of the two isn’t necessary the one who looks like it the most.

It’s so hard. I feel like killing you all, all of you!… and maybe one day, she won’t be strong enough anymore to prevent me from doing so… from breaking my promise. I so much need to get rid of this hatred, but not yet… I can’t do it yet. I need to be strong for her, to support her mind the more I can, and these feelings… I need feelings to sustain me – wakarimasu ka? I need them! Not only love, but any other… vivid feeling. There’s only one other person I can really hate, apart of you, yet if I hate him that much, it will make her so sad that I simply… can’t. Not now. Not when she’s balancing on the edge like she’s been doing in the last weeks.

Thus… in the meantime… I’ll go on hating you. Anyways… I prefer hating you than him, because he didn’t harm her as you did.

He slowly stirrs in the darkness. Not his body, but this doesn’t matter anymore - he’s used to it now. Used to the shared state. Used to the… other life. New life. New way of being. Living people… do they realize how good it is to be alive? Do they realize how lucky they are? They think death is just another joke, now that the insurance system takes care of their minds if the body happens to perish. But he knows that it’s only an illusion.

Shi wa yume. Inochi mo yume… An illusion, a dream, maybe? Life and death, intertwining as they always did - yet just another dream in the silence. He could kill people so easily. Make sure they would never come back. Of course, breaking the I.C.E and various securities wasn’t as easy now as it had been at the time, but he could still do it. Even if it required days of work, or weeks, or… Still able to do it, yes. And he had been getting so talented at it… not only hacking insurance scans, but also able to modifiy them… playing with karyotypes analysis and DNA scans…

Teaching her to do it, as well. Someday… someday, she’d bet as talented as himself, no doubt. She was learning fast, and the memories of the time she was Deannah… Deannah’s memory, rather… were strong in her, so strong.

But they’ve been trying to destroy your mind, Jen-chan!… They’ve been trying, and surely… surely some of them would do it again if they were given the chance… I won’t let them tough you again - ever. I won’t allow them to.

Shhhhh, Jen. I know. But you don’t need to worry now. Rest, my love. Your mind needs to rest, I told you, and you’re very much aware of this fact yourself. I will take care of your life in the meantime. And keep my promise, although I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do it. By the way… I have a few matters to attend; things to take care of as well. I hope you don’t mind if I do it while you’re sleeping. It’s better for the both of us, I know how you hate it when I take upon you while you’re not asleep.

Another smile, a nasty smile, as he slowly gets up from the chair, her body obeying him as if it was his own. Another chuckle, suddenly turning into a deep laughter, as Heiji leaves the room, the door silently closing on her slender silhouette.

Rest, love.
I’m taking care of it all now.

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