SPEAK MY NAME
Drifting…
Drifting in the dark immensity, drifting in the pool of sadness his whole being had become… Drifting between memories, memories of endless nights, memories of the old days and of the days to come… Drifting…
Heiji…
It was easier than he had expected, after all this fighting and screaming, after all these tears and pleading words. Just… letting himself fall in the darkness, carried by the invisible stream… Drifting, thinking that he had at least been able to see her a last time, see her beautiful face, see her eyes, and hear her voice. He would miss her smile, though. Or he wouldn’t miss anything, for once he would have ceased to exist, there wouldn’t be anything left of him to remember.
Heiji!…
His conscience gave a slight start, stirring in the darkness. That was his name. That was the sound and the shape of his name. That was the meaning of his name, too. A. Ri. Su. Ga. Wa. Hei. Ji. Red strokes painted in his self, the kanji that were marking his identity – ‘era of peace’, what an ironical meaning! Calling his name, again. Someone was calling his name.
Do I want to come back…?
It feels… so good… being carried… away…
Yes… Leaving all he knew behind him… Finally… Finally being in peace… No worries, no pain, no sadness, no anger, no hate at all, not anymore. Nothing but the warm oblivion, the emptiness that for so long had threatened to swallow him… Nothing left, not even love…
Help me… Heiji-kun…
He stirred again. The memory of her was still too vivid for him to give it up. He had… He had to find her again. Jen. That was her name. Jen. She was… Had she remembered him, then? Another feeling was slowly arising in his self now. She had remembered. So, she wanted him to stay. All hope wasn’t lost yet. He could – he could survive! He could go on existing, even if this state of half-being wasn’t the best of things for the both of them. Go on existing, and help her, as she had helped him survive, as he had helped her before…
I have to come back.
Symbiosis. Exchange. Living on each other, their thoughts intertwined, their minds knowing each other in a way no other persona could understand…
I have to come back!…
This time, he began to fight again. To fight against the darkness trying to prevent him from moving. To fight against his own self-destructive desire, the one that had never really left him, from his father’s death to Deannah’s, and through Jen’s own existence, dangerous and destructive as it could be as well. She needed him, as much as he needed her, and nothing in the world could change this. Yes, he understood it now. Nothing, not even her love for other people. They had known each other for so long, gone through so many trials together… How could this ever be erased?She had loved him, him and everything about him, and she still did, even if there were days when it was hard, when none of them would concede anything to the other. But that was… That was being human, after all! Simply human… A humanity his death hadn’t completely destroyed.
Jitsu wa!… Boku wa… boku wa ningen yo!
Wait for me, Jen. I’m coming back!
Wait for me!…
Nothing would prevent him from coming back now.
Nothing.
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